Baby Mama Drama

When Wes and I made the decision to adopt many years ago, we had to make the important decision that faces every adoptive family: do we adopt internationally or domestically? 

We did all the research you can imagine on agencies, countries, fees, timelines, and more.  But when it came down to it, we decided on an international adoption for one main (and very profound) reason: we didn’t want any baby mama drama.

That’s right.  Judge me if you like.  The main reason we chose to adopt internationally was because we felt that adopting domestically might open the door for a baby’s mom to come “back” into our child’s life and mess up the good thing we had goin’ on.  Baby mama drama, as Wes called it.  No, thank you. 

I know.  Totally lame and shallow reason.  That’s why I’m writing this blog about it, 7 years later.

You see, in our minds we would sweep up our new baby from a terrible situation, bring him/her into our loving home and arms, the baby would never remember their mama as anyone else but me, and we would all live happily ever after.

I’m sure you already know where this is headed.

So fast-forward a little to when God fulfilled our dreams of becoming parents.  He exceeded our expectations with sweet Priya Grace.  Just look at this girl.  She has more kindness in her little pinky than I possess in my entire body.  She is a gift.

For the first year of her being home, our plan (to not have Baby Mama Drama) was working beautifully.  She loved me.  I loved her.  She loved Wes. Wes was crazy about her.  We were one big, happy, loving family. 

And since she had been at the orphanage in India since she was just 1 year old, I was convinced she would never have any memory of her birth mother.  And that was just fine by me.

About a year later, we went to the hospital to see our new nephew, Adam.  Priya was so excited to have a new cousin.  

But on the way home from the hospital, something very unexpected happened.  I looked at her through the rear view mirror and saw that Priya was crying.  Big, crocodile tears.  I quickly asked, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong, baby girl?  Why are you crying?”

She looked at me, with her little 3 year-old intelligent self, and said, “I just wanna know whose tummy I came out of.”

Gulp.  Didn’t see that coming.

I promptly pulled over, turned around and brought her into my lap.  Now thankfully, Mary Klein (my amazing, dear friend and mentor) had JUST talked to me about the importance of telling the truth to her about this…

So I proceeded to tell Priya how that God had placed her in her mommy’s tummy, her birth mommy’s belly, to grow and be born.  And…fill in lots of details that I won’t share here...in the end, I told Priya the truth.  She was relieved to hear it.  We hugged and hugged and she told me, “But I love YOU, Mommy.  I love THIS mommy.  Thank you for telling me, mommy.”

Over the next few years, we had a few random discussions about her birth mother.  Sometimes she would ask; a few times I would bring it up and ask her if she wanted to talk.  Mostly she just wanted to pray for her, that she would have food and clothes and would learn about Jesus.  Sweet, sweet girl.

But last summer, when Priya was 8, she began to REALLY ask questions.  Hard questions.  She wanted more details, she wanted reasons.  I couldn’t answer it all.  But we talked, prayed, and cried together a lot that summer. 

The realization hit me one day as I literally watched her weep over her birth mother:  she does remember.  She remembers her birth mother.

Oh, she may not remember what she looked like exactly, or what songs her birth mother sang to her during that first year of life with her, or even what her name was.  But she remembers her.  She thinks about her.  She longs to know about her.

And it filled my heart with so much grief to watch this child searching her soul for answers to the “holes” in her history. 

But if I’m honest, I really only grieved for Priya.  I felt like she was the one who lost something.  She was the one who had suffered deeply.  She was the one left trying to pick up the pieces and figure this out.  And truth be told, I think I was pretty hard on her birth mother.  I would look at sweet Priya and think, “Who on earth could give up this child?  ANY child?  So selfish.  She’s missing out.”  I didn’t have much love or respect for her birth mom.

And then God, in His great wisdom and sovereignty, did something miraculous.  He did something that doctors had long ago said was impossible.

We got pregnant.

My 10 months of pregnancy were really such a dream.  I was healthy, had energy, and was surrounded by so much love and support.  I was so deeply humbled and grateful to God for the gift of pregnancy. 

And during those 10 months, so many little miracles happen.  You see the baby on the ultrasound.  You hear the heartbeat.  You feel the baby hiccup.  You feel the baby kicking.  It really is the craziest, craziest thing.  God creates life.

And then when baby boy Joshua made his arrival, the world as we knew it ended.  Giving birth to a baby is an experience you cannot forget.

We stepped into the new world of sleepless nights but unspeakable joy.  I wept many times with tears of joy and thanksgiving.  The bond between a parent and child is indescribable.  Our sweet girls, Priya and Hope, were head-over-heels in love with their baby brother.  I was overcome with love for all 3 of my kids and the miraculous ways each of them came into our family.

One day, as I was nursing Joshua, sweet Priya came into the room. She sat down and curiously watched for a few minutes.  Then she said, “Mommy, do you think my birth mother nursed me?”

Insert tears.

Never had it even crossed my mind.

Then she proceeded to ask, “Do you think she nursed me until I got too big, and THEN when she didn’t have enough money to pay for my big kid food, she had to give me to the orphanage?”

Ugly cry.

Since I couldn’t speak, Priya just answered the question for herself.  She said, “Yes, I think that’s what happened.  She tried and tried as LONG as she could, but then she needed help.”

Then my sweet girl left the room. Just like that.

And I sat there in silence, stunned.  Never had it occurred to me how deeply her sweet birth mother must have grieved at the last sight of Priya.  Never had I entertained the thought that her birth mother made a loving but incredibly painful and difficult decision to surrender her child to an orphanage.  Never did it cross my mind that her birth mother was still thinking about Priya in the same way (if not MORE) that Priya was daydreaming about her.

And over the past year (yes, YEAR!) of watching sweet baby Joshua grow, (just look how SCRUMPTIOUS!)

God has been opening wide my heart to pray for my girls’ birth mothers in brand new ways.  Joshua is only 11 months old, but he most DEFINITELY knows his family, especially his mommy!  And you’ll find out real quick what he thinks about you if you try to take him away from me.  Just ask the nursery workers at Houston’s First Baptist. ;)

But my point is this: sweet Priya and Hope both suffered such tremendous, deep loss when they lost their birth families.  We will spend our lifetimes loving them and pointing them to Jesus as they grieve over this loss.

But, somewhere in India, there are also 2 mommas who are suffering and grieving tremendously.  There’s no way they’ve just forgotten about their girls.  The thought of losing them…I can’t even wrap my mind around it. 

How tall are they now?  Are they safe?  What do they like to do?  Do they look like me?  Did they get adopted?  Do they still speak my language?  Does she have my eyes?  Will I ever see them again?  Does she still eat Indian food?  Will God ever forgive me for surrendering my child?

And I am so incredibly thankful to God for the way He has orchestrated all these circumstances in my life. 

I firmly believe He gave us a biological child after adoption to teach us more about our sweet girls and their loss. 

He gave us Joshua so we could all experience the joy and difficulties of taking care of a baby so that we might better empathize with birth mothers, especially single ones, who just simply cannot do it. 

He gave us Joshua to heal hearts and make curious little girls ask deep questions about life. 

He allowed us to experience childbirth so that I would at least TRY to imagine what it would be like to have to give up my child.

And you know what?  I pray for the girls’ birth moms like never before.  I pray to God that one day He might give us the chance to meet them.  I pray that they would know and understand the depth, width, and height of God’s great love for them.  I pray God would give them dreams and visions of their daughters.  I pray peace over them.  I pray they will rest, knowing their girls are in a loving family.

And you know what else I’ve been thinking about?  God knows what it’s like to give up a child.

I John 4:9 says, "This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him."

Galatians 4:4-5 "But when the fullness of the time came, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the Law, so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons."

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life."

Our God, the perfect parent, gave up His only Son…not so that He could be adopted, but so that WE could be adopted.  So that WE wouldn’t be left alone, as orphans, defenseless.  Now our hearts cry out, “Abba, Father!”  How deep the Father’s love for us.

May we, in that same spirit of love, learn to love the mamas all over the world who have suffered unimaginable loss in giving up a child.  May we love these gifts, these children, with the sacrificial love of Christ.

He’s not asking us to do anything that He hasn’t already done Himself.

Dumb Things People Say About Adoption and Infertility

I don’t know if other married people have experienced the “hurry-and-have-kids” phenomenon that seems to happen the moment your man puts a ring on it, but we certainly did.  We married on November 14, 2003…and people started asking the question around the 13^th.

I mean, some people try to be polite about being in your personal business, so they’ll say things like, “oh, I sure can’t wait to see you guys as parents” or “you guys will have beautiful kids.”  Sweet, innocent comments…right?

But when the years drag on and there is still no baby in your arms, the comments seemingly get ruder and more insensitive.  So, I’ve compiled a list of the

TOP TEN DUMBEST THINGS PEOPLE TO SAY TO COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY:

10.  “You guys DO plan to have your own children, right?”

9.  “You aren’t getting any younger!”

8.  “You guys must not like children.”

7.  “Your biological clock is ticking.”

6.  “Tick-tock, tick-tock.”

5.  “Just try to relax.  It’ll happen when you just relax.”

4.  “Oh, we got pregnant and we weren’t even trying!”

3.  “My husband must have like super-sperm.”

2.  “My wife is a Fertile Myrtle.”

…

and the #1 dumbest thing anyone ever said to me while we were trying to conceive was,

1.     “I bet that after you adopt, you’ll have your ‘own’ kid.”

Now, I could spend time commenting on each of these, but you’d be reading all day long.  And I can get really fired up about a few of them, so I’ll spare you the soapbox. 

So I just want to focus on #1:

 “I bet that after you adopt, you’ll have your ‘own’ kid.

First of all, let me be clear:  I think people have good intentions when they say this.  They really do.  But I think this is an important issue we all need to discuss.  Because you can have good intentions and still say something untrue and inappropriate.

To begin, nowhere in the Scriptures does it say anything about being “guaranteed” a child by God.  Psalm 127:3 says that “children are a gift from the Lord.” This implies that the Giver of the gifts gets to choose to whom He gives (and He knows best, by the way).  It is not up to us, nor can we manipulate Him into giving us something we desire.  That includes adopting a child in order to then receive our “own” child biologically. 

Secondly, adoption is not Plan B.  You wouldn’t believe the number of people who told us that when we were in the adoption process.  We were appalled at the comments people would make.  “You aren’t trusting God for His best—it’s like you’re giving up,” and “Aren’t you scared that you might get a crazy kid if you adopt?”  (As if having a biological child guarantees they won’t be crazy?  See also all of humanity).

It’s as though people honestly think you’re “settling” when you adopt.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  In our personal case, we felt the Lord clearly calling us to adopt children, long before we were ever told we wouldn’t conceive children naturally.  (More on that later).  We knew God was leading us down that path, and experience after experience confirmed that calling.  For us, it was a matter of when to adopt, not if.  Granted, we certainly had our own ideas and plans about the order and timing of things, but adoption was always a part of the plan.  It was never Plan B.

Thirdly, God calls us in Scripture to care for orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27).  Psalm 82:3 says, “Give justice to the poor and the orphan, uphold the rights of the oppressed and destitute.”  That may mean you adopt.  That may mean you support other families who long to adopt.  It may mean going on a mission trip to love on and care for orphans and the poor.  It may mean supporting charities that care for orphans and destitute.  Not everyone is called to adopt, but we are ALL called to care for the weak and destitute.

And when we do that, we are learning to love as God loves.  He loves the forgotten, the outcasts, the rejected, the weak.  (See also all of humanity).

We don’t do it so that God will turn around and give us something in return.  That, my friends, is called manipulation.  And God won’t be tested or mocked.

Because the truth is, I know plenty of amazing, God-fearing, lovely couples who have adopted and never gotten pregnant.  Sure, it could still happen for some of them, but it’s not a reality for others.  So, what do you say to that?   That God didn’t hold up His end of the bargain?  That He’s no longer good or trustworthy or holy or perfect in His ways?

Of course not.   Who are we to pretend to understand why God does things the way He does?  Isaiah 55:8 says, “For My ways are not your ways, says the Lord, neither are my thoughts your thoughts, for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

And to me, the part of the statement that I MOST want to address is the part about having my “own” children. 

Friends, God has given me 3 of my own children.  They are 100% mine.  They all call me “mommy.”  And I call them “sons and daughters.”  I don’t say, “Oh, these are someone else’s girls, but this is my OWN son.”  God-forbid.  I say, “these are my 3 children.”  They are mine.  Thank you, Lord.

And it just so happens that, in God’s mercy, He decided to give us a child biologically after we adopted.  We are grateful and humbled.  But He didn’t have to do it.  And I don’t believe He did it as a “reward” for adopting.  I believe He did it for His glory.  He did it so that others might see and believe that “what is impossible with man is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27).

And I’m so glad that when God adopted me into His family, He didn’t treat me as “other” or “less” than His very own.  On the contrary, Romans 8:14-17 says, “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

We are co-heirs with Christ.  Not sub-heirs.  That means He puts us on the same level as His only begotten Son.  We are His OWN.

So, for the record, I forgive you if you have ever said any of the silly things listed above…but I ask you to guard your tongue and be slow to speak.  Let us be sensitive to those around us who long for a child and have not received one.  And let us encourage them in their journey, however they feel led to grow their family.

And when adoption happens to be the path they choose, let us not insult their children by insinuating that they don’t belong.

My children are gifts from God.  All of them.  And they are OURS.