I don’t know if other married people have experienced the
“hurry-and-have-kids” phenomenon that seems to happen the moment your man puts
a ring on it, but we certainly did. We
married on November 14, 2003…and people started asking the question around the
13th.
I mean, some people try to be polite about being in your
personal business, so they’ll say things like, “oh, I sure can’t wait to see
you guys as parents” or “you guys will have beautiful kids.” Sweet, innocent comments…right?
But when the years drag on and there is still no baby in
your arms, the comments seemingly get ruder and more insensitive. So, I’ve compiled a list of the
TOP TEN DUMBEST THINGS PEOPLE TO SAY TO COUPLES STRUGGLING
WITH INFERTILITY:
10. “You guys DO plan
to have your own children, right?”
9. “You aren’t
getting any younger!”
8. “You guys must not
like children.”
7. “Your biological
clock is ticking.”
6. “Tick-tock,
tick-tock.”
5. “Just try to
relax. It’ll happen when you just
relax.”
4. “Oh, we got
pregnant and we weren’t even trying!”
3. “My husband must
have like super-sperm.”
2. “My wife is a
Fertile Myrtle.”
…
and the #1 dumbest thing anyone ever said to me while we
were trying to conceive was,
1.
“I bet that after you adopt, you’ll have your
‘own’ kid.”
Now, I could spend time commenting on each of these, but
you’d be reading all day long. And I can
get really fired up about a few of them, so I’ll spare you the soapbox.
So I just want to focus on #1:
“I bet that after you adopt,
you’ll have your ‘own’ kid.
First of all, let me be clear: I think people have good intentions when they
say this. They really do. But I think this is an important issue we all
need to discuss. Because you can have
good intentions and still say something untrue and inappropriate.
To begin, nowhere in the Scriptures does it say anything about
being “guaranteed” a child by God. Psalm
127:3 says that “children are a gift from
the Lord.” This implies that the Giver of the gifts gets to choose to whom
He gives (and He knows best, by the way).
It is not up to us, nor can we manipulate Him into giving us something
we desire. That includes adopting a
child in order to then receive our “own” child biologically.
Secondly, adoption is not Plan B. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who
told us that when we were in the adoption process. We were appalled at the comments people would
make. “You aren’t trusting God for His
best—it’s like you’re giving up,” and “Aren’t you scared that you might get a
crazy kid if you adopt?” (As if having a
biological child guarantees they won’t be crazy? See also all
of humanity).
It’s as though people honestly think you’re “settling” when
you adopt. This couldn’t be further from
the truth. In our personal case, we felt
the Lord clearly calling us to adopt children, long before we were ever told we wouldn’t conceive children
naturally. (More on that later). We knew God was leading us down that path,
and experience after experience confirmed that calling. For us, it was a matter of when to adopt, not if. Granted, we certainly
had our own ideas and plans about the order and timing of things, but adoption
was always a part of the plan. It was never Plan B.
Thirdly, God calls us in Scripture to care for orphans and
widows in their distress (James 1:27).
Psalm 82:3 says, “Give justice to
the poor and the orphan, uphold the rights of the oppressed and destitute.” That may mean you adopt. That may mean you support other families who
long to adopt. It may mean going on a
mission trip to love on and care for orphans and the poor. It may mean supporting charities that care
for orphans and destitute. Not everyone
is called to adopt, but we are ALL called to care for the weak and destitute.
And when we do that, we are learning to love as God
loves. He loves the forgotten, the
outcasts, the rejected, the weak. (See
also all of humanity).
We don’t do it so that God will turn around and give us
something in return. That, my friends,
is called manipulation. And God won’t be
tested or mocked.
Because the truth is, I know plenty of amazing, God-fearing, lovely couples who have adopted and never gotten
pregnant. Sure, it could still happen
for some of them, but it’s not a reality for others. So, what do you say to that? That God didn’t hold up His end of the
bargain? That He’s no longer good or trustworthy
or holy or perfect in His ways?
Of course not. Who
are we to pretend to understand why God does things the way He does? Isaiah 55:8 says, “For My ways are not your ways, says the Lord, neither are my thoughts
your thoughts, for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways
higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
And to me, the part of the statement that I MOST want to
address is the part about having my “own” children.
Friends, God has given me 3 of my own children. They are 100%
mine. They all call me “mommy.” And I call them “sons and daughters.” I don’t say, “Oh, these are someone else’s girls, but this is my OWN son.” God-forbid.
I say, “these are my 3 children.”
They are mine. Thank you, Lord.
And it just so happens that, in God’s mercy, He decided to
give us a child biologically after we adopted.
We are grateful and humbled. But
He didn’t have to do it. And I don’t
believe He did it as a “reward” for adopting.
I believe He did it for His glory.
He did it so that others might see and believe that “what is impossible with man is possible with
God.” (Luke 18:27).
And I’m so glad that when God adopted me into His family, He
didn’t treat me as “other” or “less” than His very own. On the contrary, Romans
8:14-17 says, “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are
sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear
again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out,
“Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are
children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs
with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be
glorified with Him.”
We are co-heirs with Christ. Not sub-heirs. That means He puts us on the same level as
His only begotten Son. We are His OWN.
So, for the record, I forgive you if you have ever
said any of the silly things listed above…but I ask you to guard your tongue
and be slow to speak. Let us
be sensitive to those around us who long for a child and have not received
one. And let us encourage them in their
journey, however they feel led to grow their family.
And when adoption happens to be the path they
choose, let us not insult their children by insinuating that they don’t belong.
My children are gifts from God. All of them.
And they are OURS.
