The Metamorphosis of Mother’s Day
(Through the lens of
loss, infertility, and adoption)
When I think about Mother’s Day throughout my lifetime,
there are many words that come to mind: beautiful,
sweet, difficult, painful, tearful, fun, frustrating, depressing, challenging,
overwhelming, awesome, lovely,
lonely. Not necessarily in that order.
How can one day, designed to honor
and celebrate the amazing moms of the world, conjure up so many different
emotions?
You see, when I was young, Mother’s
Day was just about celebrating my
mom. And she is a precious woman who
deserves to be celebrated! We would take
her out to eat (for SURE to eat Mexican food) and give her the day “off” in
some way. We always enjoyed surprising
Mom with gifts and showering her with love on Mother’s Day. Usually, my brothers tried not to make her cry on that one day of
the year. How kind of them.
Here are my sweet parents whom I love so dearly.
My senior year of college, Mother’s
Day changed a whole lot for me because Wes’s mom was tragically killed in a car
accident that year. From then on,
Mother’s Day was no longer just about the fun stuff. It now included a painful and tearful trip to
the cemetery to arrange new flowers on the tombstone and reminisce about a
beautiful life cut short.
A few years down the road, after
Wes and I were married, Mother’s Day became a time of celebrating, remembering,
and now, waiting. It was my turn to be a mom. We were waiting for children. I couldn’t wait for someone to celebrate me on this special day.
As the years passed, the celebrating
of my mom continued…the remembering and crying over Wes’s mom continued…AND the
waiting on my part continued, too. And
this waiting brought sadness, frustration, and depression around Mother’s Day. I kinda always dreaded going to church that
day, because most of the time the service included some kind of
“stand-up-if-you’re-a-mom” type deal which usually sent a wave of the ugly cry
over me.
Of course, I loved celebrating
moms, MY mom, ALL the moms. But it was
painful to long to be one while heaven seemingly stood silent.
And then, in April 2010, God
changed my life forever with my sweet Priya Grace.
He made me a mom in the most wonderful way,
through adoption.
Priya was
perfect.
She really was.
Ask my friends if you don’t believe me.
Just a few short weeks later was
going to be my first Mother’s Day. I couldn’t wait. I would stand up so proudly in that church
service when they called on the mamas! I
was dressed to impress. Ready.
But that Sunday did NOT go as
expected.
Pastor Gregg preached on
infertility that day.
And, you guessed it, that wave of
ugly cry came over me. Darn it.
I was very confused by this wave of
emotion. I WAS a mom. Finally!
And I LOVED Priya. Adored her, in
fact…like my heart was going to BURST with how much I adored her. So where was all this sadness coming
from? Why all the depressing
feelings? What was that all about?
But I put on my big girl garments
and marched ahead, looking forward to the next Mother’s Day. The next one would be better. I must
just be tired from the trip to India and overwhelmed with emotion, I
convinced myself.
The next Mother’s Day added a new
member to my brother Robby’s family—sweet Adam Daniel.
It was May 12
th, to be exact, and
Priya and I took a trip up to the hospital to meet her newest cousin.
Priya had witnessed Aunt Leslie throughout
the entire pregnancy and now was present for the arrival of Adam.
It was a beautiful day, and sweet little
3-year-old Priya loved holding her new baby cousin. Just look at sweet Adam!
On the way home from the hospital
that day, I looked in the rear view mirror to see Priya crying big ol’
crocodile tears. You should see this
girl’s pitiful cry! I pulled over into a
parking lot and took Priya out of the car seat, as she was sobbing quite
dramatically at this point.
When Priya finally was able to
speak, I asked her, “Sweetie, what’s the
matter?”
“Mommy,
did Baby Adam come out of Aunt Leslie’s tummy?”
“Yes,
he did,” I calmly replied.
More tears.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong? Why are
you so sad about baby Adam?”
“I’m
not sad about Adam. I just want to know
whose tummy I came out of, Mommy.”
Oh, Lord, have mercy on my
soul! Was this really happening? In the Ross parking lot? On Mother’s Day weekend, of all times? My 3-year-old adopted daughter is going to
bring up her birth mother NOW? Why can’t
I just have a NORMAL Mother’s Day weekend!
And in that moment, through a
tearful conversation about her “tummy mommy”, adoption, the orphanage, and
more…I realized something profound: This IS and FOREVER WILL BE a “normal” part
of Mother’s Day for me.
…fast forward about 7 years later,
and here I am, after all 4 precious kids are finally asleep…writing to tell you
that I am just beginning to
understand what Mother’s Day is really all about.
And BREAKING NEWS: it’s not about
me. (Not to say, Wes, that I would turn
down a spa day or pampering session.
Let’s be clear.)
But it’s really NOT about me.
I wouldn’t be a mom without 2 other
moms: Priya’s and Hope’s birth mothers.
And in order to honor them, the two
women to whom I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude, I must allow my girls to go
to that painful place, the spot in their souls that grieves deeply over what
was but is no longer.
To grieve what was
lost.
To grieve, in a sense, the death
of their birth mothers.
No, I have no
idea if their birth mothers are alive or not, but I mean grieving the death of
a dream.
No child ever wants to lose
his/her birth family.
No mama ever
forgets birthing a child.
There is so
much pain and loss in adoption.
And so, we’ve done a few different
things to honor our girls’ birth moms in the past—bought flowers for the girls’
room, released balloons—but this year I felt compelled to do something more permanent. Something that would be more significant than
a once-a-year gesture.
When I told the girls my idea, they
BOTH got so excited.
And so, here they
are, planting a tree in our backyard in honor of their birth moms.
It will serve as a daily reminder of their
mothers and hopefully give Priya and Hope the space to honor, cherish, and
remember them.
Since the girls chose a
tangerine tree, my prayer is that the fruit that comes from the tree will be a
sweet reminder to them of all the beautiful qualities they must have inherited
from these wonderful ladies.
But more than anything, I think it
will be a gentle reminder to me that my
girls’ lives and stories didn’t begin with me.
And it’s not about me. It’s
about a God who, through His sovereign kindness, allowed ME to be a part of a
much bigger (and better) story that He is writing through Priya’s and Hope’s
lives. They are such a blessing to SO
many, and I am convinced that heaven will be filled with so many faces of other
children who were adopted because of the influence of these sweet girls.
And so…HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
To those who are blessed to have
little people to call you Mommy, bless you!
Galatians 6:9 “Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap, if
you do not faint.”
For those who are still waiting to
become a mommy—we believe and wait in hope!
Praying you find peace and comfort in the waiting this year!
Isaiah 40:31"Those who wait on the Lord will renew their
strength; they will mount up on wings as eagles, they will run and not grow
weary, they will walk and not faint!"
For those who have lost moms or
children—
May the God of peace and comfort give you the peace that passes
understanding this Mother’s Day. Philippians 4:7
Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of Mom.
