When Wes and I married in 2003, this was my (lame) plan:
2003-2006 Teach, pay off school loans, enjoy a few years of marital bliss with "just us"
2006: get pregnant with baby #1
2007: get pregnant with baby #2
2008: get pregnant with baby #3
2009: adopt baby #4
2010: adopt baby #5...
you get the picture. We wanted a lot of kids. 10, to be exact. And we thought it would be best to have biological kids first, you know, to "learn" how to be parents. Then we'd adopt a few. Well, in 2006 we were moving forward with my plans. But we didn't get pregnant in 2006. Or 2007. Or 2008.
God wasn't listening, apparently, to my plans.
So in June of 2008, we took a mission trip to Latvia. We spent a week working as counselors at a summer camp for amazing kids. We had the time of our lives. At the end of the week, we said our emotional goodbyes to the wonderful kids with whom we had bonded all week.
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As they filed on to their buses, I noticed that the writing on the side of the bus said "New Hope Orphanage." Like an idiot, I turned to the pastor standing next to me and asked, "why are the kids riding home on an orphanage bus?" Stunned, he responded, "be...cause they're going back to their orphanage."
Silence.
We had no idea. We had absolutely no idea that the kids whom we had loved on and played with all week were going back to no one. No family. No home. Just bunk beds and meager meals. They were orphans.
Our hearts were broken.
On the plane ride home, Wes and I had our first serious conversation about adoption. I mean, we had talked about it and made plans for it...AFTER biological kids. But now, God was opening our eyes. Perhaps He didn't plan for us to have biological kids first. He gave us this amazing week with these children, blinding us to the fact that they were orphans. I think He knew the ugliness of my heart, and how I would have probably gone into that week of camp with an entirely different outlook and different expectations for those kids had I known.
He showed me that I could deeply love any child.
So, the ball started rolling. Originally we were trying to adopt a specific little girl from Latvia. Her name was Regina, and we loved spending time with her and wanted to bring her into our family.
.JPG)
After several months of trying to push that plan, we realized that it wasn't going to work. Latvia, as most other countries, don't take "requests" for kids. So when that door closed, we heard the news that India had opened their adoptions to non-Indians. This was amazing news, considering I'm white.
So, we sent our application to India in early of 2009.
Meanwhile, I had gone for my annual check-up, and my OBGYN threw out the words "fertility testing" to me. I stared at him. I thought he was insane. I know it sounds crazy, but never ONCE in three years of trying to conceive had it crossed my mind that something might be wrong. I just knew that it wasn't God's timing for us yet.
But fast-forward a few months, and the doctor's words were ringing in my ears. Yes, we were applying for an adoption, but I still longed to have a biological child. Was there something wrong? Would it be an easy fix?
So, I convinced Wes to go with me to see a fertility doctor. I told him it wouldn't change our adoption plans, but I just wanted us to get checked out and make sure all was well.
6 months later, we're going for monthly visits, taking hormone pills and jumping through hoops. We weren't even sure what it all meant or what it was all for. We just did whatever they told us. I was emotionally drained. Finally, I looked the doctor in the eye and said, "Can you just tell us what is going on? Can you please explain this to us?"
Basically, the doctor gave me the lamest answer ever. "We don't really know what's going on. Everything should be working fine, but for some reason, it's just not happening. We call this 'unexplained infertility.'"
What does that even mean?
"well, it means that, apart from IVF, you will not be able to conceive a child."
NEVER expected to hear those words.
I was so mad. So mad. At the doctors. At pregnant women around me. At God. Especially at God. Why would He allow this? Did He not think we would be good parents? Why did He allow unmarried teens to get pregnant? Why would He allow women to conceive who didn't even WANT their babies? It made no sense.
So for the next few months, I had to dig deep in my faith. I had to find out if I REALLY believed in a good, sovereign, all-powerful God. After all, if He was all those things, then why was He allowing this to happen to me? I clung to verses like Isaiah 55:8, "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways..." and Jeremiah 29:11, "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future."
Sounded good in print but boy, oh boy, was it hard to believe in real life.
But the Lord was faithful to show Himself strong to me. I knew, in my core, that this was all part of His plan. He was asking me to trust Him.
Wes and I prayed about IVF and did not feel like God was asking us to take that path. And since Wes is Indian (a.k.a CHEAP) $15,000 for a 25% success rate just wasn't worth the investment. Besides, we needed that money for the adoption.
Well, on Wes's birthday, he got the BEST birthday present ever. We received our referral of Priya from India. I'll never forget opening that email and seeing this baby girl with the craziest hair and the chubbiest cheeks. She stole our hearts.
So God relieved me (temporarily) from my pain and helped me shift my focus to this precious baby girl that would soon be in our arms.
And man, does He exceed expectations. Priya was a DREAM. Sweet, kind, silly, smart, beautiful. We brought her home in April 2010 and our lives were turned upside down. (See Priya's first year video here!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CykrahVbVG4
And less than 1 year later, we applied for our 2nd adoption to India.
Now, things didn't go quite as quickly with our 2nd adoption. It started to drag on for a few years. And for some reason, the dragging of the adoption seemed to reopen those wounds of infertility. Here we were, willing and ready to take in another child...but did God not think we were ready? Why was He withholding another child from us?
It's funny how Satan just ever-so-slightly distorts the character of God in our minds. He makes us start to question His goodness and His plans.
It was during this time that I had to SURRENDER to the Lord. I realized I had NO control over my fertility, no control over an adoption, NO control over anything. And I realized that having a child is a GIFT from the Lord...meaning sometimes He chooses to give that gift, and sometimes He chooses to withhold it. But whatever He chooses is perfect and right.
And I did it. I got on my face before the Lord in tears and confessed to Him my anger and frustration with the way He was handling my life. I confessed that I DIDN'T know best and I needed Him to work in my heart. I told Him I would trust Him no matter what.
I felt like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders. Surrender feels amazing.
And then, about 3 weeks later, we got our referral of sweet Hope. The sweetest little angel we could ever see. Wes and I wept at her referral picture. We couldn't WAIT to bring her home.
And in April of 2014, we did. (Watch the Hope documentary here!) www.runforhopehouston.org
Now we had the two sweetest, kindest girls in the whole world. Adjustment to 2 kids was hard on us, but not because of the girls. Just going from self-sacrifice with 1 kid to utter selflessness with 2 kids. But we were thankful. God hand-picked the 2 sweetest, most beautiful girls in the world for us.
And then Wes gave me the "we are DONE" speech. Just a few weeks ago. I laughed at first, because I thought he was just being dramatic, but then I realized, "He's totally serious. He's DONE." I was disappointed. Hadn't we talked about 10 kids? How are we stopping at 2?
And then...I was late. For my period. I mean, we're all adults. We know what that might mean.
But I wouldn't let myself go there. After all, the doctor said it was impossible for us. I thought I was just psyching myself out. It had been 10 years of no pregnancy. Why was I even thinking about it at this point?
But then 2 days later, still nothing. I had 5 dreams in 1 night about having a baby. So I took a test.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT! Shocked. Beyond belief. Wes made me pee on many of those sticks. I told him he could pee on the next one. We shed many tears. Gratitude. Disbelief. Shock. Excitement. AWE. God is so kind.
So, here we are. Almost 10 years of "practice" with no results. And out of the blue, BAM. A baby. We're 8 weeks along. No one is more shocked than we are! Truly. "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Matthew 19:26
Once again, God doesn't just want to meet our expectations. He wants to exceed them.
I surrender to Him. We can't take ANY credit for ANY of the miracles He's done in our lives. HE is worthy. He is all-powerful. He is good. He is kind. He has been SO gracious to us. We give Him the glory!!
I no longer feel the need for a doctor to explain to us our "unexplained infertility." I know the explanation: God had a better plan.
2003-2006 Teach, pay off school loans, enjoy a few years of marital bliss with "just us"
2006: get pregnant with baby #1
2007: get pregnant with baby #2
2008: get pregnant with baby #3
2009: adopt baby #4
2010: adopt baby #5...
you get the picture. We wanted a lot of kids. 10, to be exact. And we thought it would be best to have biological kids first, you know, to "learn" how to be parents. Then we'd adopt a few. Well, in 2006 we were moving forward with my plans. But we didn't get pregnant in 2006. Or 2007. Or 2008.
God wasn't listening, apparently, to my plans.
So in June of 2008, we took a mission trip to Latvia. We spent a week working as counselors at a summer camp for amazing kids. We had the time of our lives. At the end of the week, we said our emotional goodbyes to the wonderful kids with whom we had bonded all week.
As they filed on to their buses, I noticed that the writing on the side of the bus said "New Hope Orphanage." Like an idiot, I turned to the pastor standing next to me and asked, "why are the kids riding home on an orphanage bus?" Stunned, he responded, "be...cause they're going back to their orphanage."
Silence.
We had no idea. We had absolutely no idea that the kids whom we had loved on and played with all week were going back to no one. No family. No home. Just bunk beds and meager meals. They were orphans.
Our hearts were broken.
On the plane ride home, Wes and I had our first serious conversation about adoption. I mean, we had talked about it and made plans for it...AFTER biological kids. But now, God was opening our eyes. Perhaps He didn't plan for us to have biological kids first. He gave us this amazing week with these children, blinding us to the fact that they were orphans. I think He knew the ugliness of my heart, and how I would have probably gone into that week of camp with an entirely different outlook and different expectations for those kids had I known.
He showed me that I could deeply love any child.
So, the ball started rolling. Originally we were trying to adopt a specific little girl from Latvia. Her name was Regina, and we loved spending time with her and wanted to bring her into our family.
After several months of trying to push that plan, we realized that it wasn't going to work. Latvia, as most other countries, don't take "requests" for kids. So when that door closed, we heard the news that India had opened their adoptions to non-Indians. This was amazing news, considering I'm white.
So, we sent our application to India in early of 2009.
Meanwhile, I had gone for my annual check-up, and my OBGYN threw out the words "fertility testing" to me. I stared at him. I thought he was insane. I know it sounds crazy, but never ONCE in three years of trying to conceive had it crossed my mind that something might be wrong. I just knew that it wasn't God's timing for us yet.
But fast-forward a few months, and the doctor's words were ringing in my ears. Yes, we were applying for an adoption, but I still longed to have a biological child. Was there something wrong? Would it be an easy fix?
So, I convinced Wes to go with me to see a fertility doctor. I told him it wouldn't change our adoption plans, but I just wanted us to get checked out and make sure all was well.
6 months later, we're going for monthly visits, taking hormone pills and jumping through hoops. We weren't even sure what it all meant or what it was all for. We just did whatever they told us. I was emotionally drained. Finally, I looked the doctor in the eye and said, "Can you just tell us what is going on? Can you please explain this to us?"
Basically, the doctor gave me the lamest answer ever. "We don't really know what's going on. Everything should be working fine, but for some reason, it's just not happening. We call this 'unexplained infertility.'"
What does that even mean?
"well, it means that, apart from IVF, you will not be able to conceive a child."
NEVER expected to hear those words.
I was so mad. So mad. At the doctors. At pregnant women around me. At God. Especially at God. Why would He allow this? Did He not think we would be good parents? Why did He allow unmarried teens to get pregnant? Why would He allow women to conceive who didn't even WANT their babies? It made no sense.
So for the next few months, I had to dig deep in my faith. I had to find out if I REALLY believed in a good, sovereign, all-powerful God. After all, if He was all those things, then why was He allowing this to happen to me? I clung to verses like Isaiah 55:8, "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways..." and Jeremiah 29:11, "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future."
Sounded good in print but boy, oh boy, was it hard to believe in real life.
But the Lord was faithful to show Himself strong to me. I knew, in my core, that this was all part of His plan. He was asking me to trust Him.
Wes and I prayed about IVF and did not feel like God was asking us to take that path. And since Wes is Indian (a.k.a CHEAP) $15,000 for a 25% success rate just wasn't worth the investment. Besides, we needed that money for the adoption.
Well, on Wes's birthday, he got the BEST birthday present ever. We received our referral of Priya from India. I'll never forget opening that email and seeing this baby girl with the craziest hair and the chubbiest cheeks. She stole our hearts.
So God relieved me (temporarily) from my pain and helped me shift my focus to this precious baby girl that would soon be in our arms.
And man, does He exceed expectations. Priya was a DREAM. Sweet, kind, silly, smart, beautiful. We brought her home in April 2010 and our lives were turned upside down. (See Priya's first year video here!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CykrahVbVG4
And less than 1 year later, we applied for our 2nd adoption to India.
Now, things didn't go quite as quickly with our 2nd adoption. It started to drag on for a few years. And for some reason, the dragging of the adoption seemed to reopen those wounds of infertility. Here we were, willing and ready to take in another child...but did God not think we were ready? Why was He withholding another child from us?
It's funny how Satan just ever-so-slightly distorts the character of God in our minds. He makes us start to question His goodness and His plans.
It was during this time that I had to SURRENDER to the Lord. I realized I had NO control over my fertility, no control over an adoption, NO control over anything. And I realized that having a child is a GIFT from the Lord...meaning sometimes He chooses to give that gift, and sometimes He chooses to withhold it. But whatever He chooses is perfect and right.
And I did it. I got on my face before the Lord in tears and confessed to Him my anger and frustration with the way He was handling my life. I confessed that I DIDN'T know best and I needed Him to work in my heart. I told Him I would trust Him no matter what.
I felt like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders. Surrender feels amazing.
And then, about 3 weeks later, we got our referral of sweet Hope. The sweetest little angel we could ever see. Wes and I wept at her referral picture. We couldn't WAIT to bring her home.
And in April of 2014, we did. (Watch the Hope documentary here!) www.runforhopehouston.org
Now we had the two sweetest, kindest girls in the whole world. Adjustment to 2 kids was hard on us, but not because of the girls. Just going from self-sacrifice with 1 kid to utter selflessness with 2 kids. But we were thankful. God hand-picked the 2 sweetest, most beautiful girls in the world for us.
And then Wes gave me the "we are DONE" speech. Just a few weeks ago. I laughed at first, because I thought he was just being dramatic, but then I realized, "He's totally serious. He's DONE." I was disappointed. Hadn't we talked about 10 kids? How are we stopping at 2?
And then...I was late. For my period. I mean, we're all adults. We know what that might mean.
But I wouldn't let myself go there. After all, the doctor said it was impossible for us. I thought I was just psyching myself out. It had been 10 years of no pregnancy. Why was I even thinking about it at this point?
But then 2 days later, still nothing. I had 5 dreams in 1 night about having a baby. So I took a test.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT! Shocked. Beyond belief. Wes made me pee on many of those sticks. I told him he could pee on the next one. We shed many tears. Gratitude. Disbelief. Shock. Excitement. AWE. God is so kind.
So, here we are. Almost 10 years of "practice" with no results. And out of the blue, BAM. A baby. We're 8 weeks along. No one is more shocked than we are! Truly. "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Matthew 19:26
Once again, God doesn't just want to meet our expectations. He wants to exceed them.
I surrender to Him. We can't take ANY credit for ANY of the miracles He's done in our lives. HE is worthy. He is all-powerful. He is good. He is kind. He has been SO gracious to us. We give Him the glory!!
I no longer feel the need for a doctor to explain to us our "unexplained infertility." I know the explanation: God had a better plan.
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