Dumb Things People Say About Adoption and Infertility

I don’t know if other married people have experienced the “hurry-and-have-kids” phenomenon that seems to happen the moment your man puts a ring on it, but we certainly did.  We married on November 14, 2003…and people started asking the question around the 13^th.

I mean, some people try to be polite about being in your personal business, so they’ll say things like, “oh, I sure can’t wait to see you guys as parents” or “you guys will have beautiful kids.”  Sweet, innocent comments…right?

But when the years drag on and there is still no baby in your arms, the comments seemingly get ruder and more insensitive.  So, I’ve compiled a list of the

TOP TEN DUMBEST THINGS PEOPLE TO SAY TO COUPLES STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY:

10.  “You guys DO plan to have your own children, right?”

9.  “You aren’t getting any younger!”

8.  “You guys must not like children.”

7.  “Your biological clock is ticking.”

6.  “Tick-tock, tick-tock.”

5.  “Just try to relax.  It’ll happen when you just relax.”

4.  “Oh, we got pregnant and we weren’t even trying!”

3.  “My husband must have like super-sperm.”

2.  “My wife is a Fertile Myrtle.”

…

and the #1 dumbest thing anyone ever said to me while we were trying to conceive was,

1.     “I bet that after you adopt, you’ll have your ‘own’ kid.”

Now, I could spend time commenting on each of these, but you’d be reading all day long.  And I can get really fired up about a few of them, so I’ll spare you the soapbox. 

So I just want to focus on #1:

 “I bet that after you adopt, you’ll have your ‘own’ kid.

First of all, let me be clear:  I think people have good intentions when they say this.  They really do.  But I think this is an important issue we all need to discuss.  Because you can have good intentions and still say something untrue and inappropriate.

To begin, nowhere in the Scriptures does it say anything about being “guaranteed” a child by God.  Psalm 127:3 says that “children are a gift from the Lord.” This implies that the Giver of the gifts gets to choose to whom He gives (and He knows best, by the way).  It is not up to us, nor can we manipulate Him into giving us something we desire.  That includes adopting a child in order to then receive our “own” child biologically. 

Secondly, adoption is not Plan B.  You wouldn’t believe the number of people who told us that when we were in the adoption process.  We were appalled at the comments people would make.  “You aren’t trusting God for His best—it’s like you’re giving up,” and “Aren’t you scared that you might get a crazy kid if you adopt?”  (As if having a biological child guarantees they won’t be crazy?  See also all of humanity).

It’s as though people honestly think you’re “settling” when you adopt.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  In our personal case, we felt the Lord clearly calling us to adopt children, long before we were ever told we wouldn’t conceive children naturally.  (More on that later).  We knew God was leading us down that path, and experience after experience confirmed that calling.  For us, it was a matter of when to adopt, not if.  Granted, we certainly had our own ideas and plans about the order and timing of things, but adoption was always a part of the plan.  It was never Plan B.

Thirdly, God calls us in Scripture to care for orphans and widows in their distress (James 1:27).  Psalm 82:3 says, “Give justice to the poor and the orphan, uphold the rights of the oppressed and destitute.”  That may mean you adopt.  That may mean you support other families who long to adopt.  It may mean going on a mission trip to love on and care for orphans and the poor.  It may mean supporting charities that care for orphans and destitute.  Not everyone is called to adopt, but we are ALL called to care for the weak and destitute.

And when we do that, we are learning to love as God loves.  He loves the forgotten, the outcasts, the rejected, the weak.  (See also all of humanity).

We don’t do it so that God will turn around and give us something in return.  That, my friends, is called manipulation.  And God won’t be tested or mocked.

Because the truth is, I know plenty of amazing, God-fearing, lovely couples who have adopted and never gotten pregnant.  Sure, it could still happen for some of them, but it’s not a reality for others.  So, what do you say to that?   That God didn’t hold up His end of the bargain?  That He’s no longer good or trustworthy or holy or perfect in His ways?

Of course not.   Who are we to pretend to understand why God does things the way He does?  Isaiah 55:8 says, “For My ways are not your ways, says the Lord, neither are my thoughts your thoughts, for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

And to me, the part of the statement that I MOST want to address is the part about having my “own” children. 

Friends, God has given me 3 of my own children.  They are 100% mine.  They all call me “mommy.”  And I call them “sons and daughters.”  I don’t say, “Oh, these are someone else’s girls, but this is my OWN son.”  God-forbid.  I say, “these are my 3 children.”  They are mine.  Thank you, Lord.

And it just so happens that, in God’s mercy, He decided to give us a child biologically after we adopted.  We are grateful and humbled.  But He didn’t have to do it.  And I don’t believe He did it as a “reward” for adopting.  I believe He did it for His glory.  He did it so that others might see and believe that “what is impossible with man is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27).

And I’m so glad that when God adopted me into His family, He didn’t treat me as “other” or “less” than His very own.  On the contrary, Romans 8:14-17 says, “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.”

We are co-heirs with Christ.  Not sub-heirs.  That means He puts us on the same level as His only begotten Son.  We are His OWN.

So, for the record, I forgive you if you have ever said any of the silly things listed above…but I ask you to guard your tongue and be slow to speak.  Let us be sensitive to those around us who long for a child and have not received one.  And let us encourage them in their journey, however they feel led to grow their family.

And when adoption happens to be the path they choose, let us not insult their children by insinuating that they don’t belong.

My children are gifts from God.  All of them.  And they are OURS.

WIth God, all things are possible.

When Wes and I married in 2003, this was my (lame) plan:

2003-2006 Teach, pay off school loans, enjoy a few years of marital bliss with "just us"
2006: get pregnant with baby #1
2007: get pregnant with baby #2
2008: get pregnant with baby #3
2009: adopt baby #4
2010: adopt baby #5...

you get the picture.  We wanted a lot of kids.  10, to be exact.  And we thought it would be best to have biological kids first, you know, to "learn" how to be parents.  Then we'd adopt a few.  Well, in 2006 we were moving forward with my plans.  But we didn't get pregnant in 2006.  Or 2007.  Or 2008.

God wasn't listening, apparently, to my plans.

So in June of 2008, we took a mission trip to Latvia.  We spent a week working as counselors at a summer camp for amazing kids.  We had the time of our lives.  At the end of the week, we said our emotional goodbyes to the wonderful kids with whom we had bonded all week.

As they filed on to their buses, I noticed that the writing on the side of the bus said "New Hope Orphanage."  Like an idiot, I turned to the pastor standing next to me and asked, "why are the kids riding home on an orphanage bus?"  Stunned, he responded, "be...cause they're going back to their orphanage."

Silence.

We had no idea. We had absolutely no idea that the kids whom we had loved on and played with all week were going back to no one.  No family.  No home.  Just bunk beds and meager meals.  They were orphans.

Our hearts were broken.

On the plane ride home, Wes and I had our first serious conversation about adoption.  I mean, we had talked about it and made plans for it...AFTER biological kids.  But now, God was opening our eyes. Perhaps He didn't plan for us to have biological kids first.  He gave us this amazing week with these children, blinding us to the fact that they were orphans.  I think He knew the ugliness of my heart, and how I would have probably gone into that week of camp with an entirely different outlook and different expectations for those kids had I known.

He showed me that I could deeply love any child.

So, the ball started rolling.  Originally we were trying to adopt a specific little girl from Latvia.  Her name was Regina, and we loved spending time with her and wanted to bring her into our family.

After several months of trying to push that plan, we realized that it wasn't going to work.  Latvia, as most other countries, don't take "requests" for kids.  So when that door closed, we heard the news that India had opened their adoptions to non-Indians.  This was amazing news, considering I'm white.

So, we sent our application to India in early of 2009.

Meanwhile, I had gone for my annual check-up, and my OBGYN threw out the words "fertility testing" to me.  I stared at him.  I thought he was insane.  I know it sounds crazy, but never ONCE in three years of trying to conceive had it crossed my mind that something might be wrong.  I just knew that it wasn't God's timing for us yet.

But fast-forward a few months, and the doctor's words were ringing in my ears.  Yes, we were applying for an adoption, but I still longed to have a biological child.  Was there something wrong? Would it be an easy fix?

So, I convinced Wes to go with me to see a fertility doctor.  I told him it wouldn't change our adoption plans, but I just wanted us to get checked out and make sure all was well.

6 months later, we're going for monthly visits, taking hormone pills and jumping through hoops.  We weren't even sure what it all meant or what it was all for.  We just did whatever they told us.  I was emotionally drained.  Finally, I looked the doctor in the eye and said, "Can you just tell us what is going on?  Can you please explain this to us?"

Basically, the doctor gave me the lamest answer ever.  "We don't really know what's going on.  Everything should be working fine, but for some reason, it's just not happening.  We call this 'unexplained infertility.'"

What does that even mean?

"well, it means that, apart from IVF, you will not be able to conceive a child."

NEVER expected to hear those words.

I was so mad.  So mad.  At the doctors.  At pregnant women around me.  At God.  Especially at God.  Why would He allow this?  Did He not think we would be good parents?  Why did He allow unmarried teens to get pregnant?  Why would He allow women to conceive who didn't even WANT their babies?  It made no sense.

So for the next few months, I had to dig deep in my faith.  I had to find out if I REALLY believed in a good, sovereign, all-powerful God.  After all, if He was all those things, then why was He allowing this to happen to me?  I clung to verses like Isaiah 55:8, "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord, for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways..." and Jeremiah 29:11, "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future."

Sounded good in print but boy, oh boy, was it hard to believe in real life.

But the Lord was faithful to show Himself strong to me.  I knew, in my core, that this was all part of His plan.  He was asking me to trust Him.

Wes and I prayed about IVF and did not feel like God was asking us to take that path.  And since Wes is Indian (a.k.a CHEAP) $15,000 for a 25% success rate just wasn't worth the investment.  Besides, we needed that money for the adoption.

Well, on Wes's birthday, he got the BEST birthday present ever.  We received our referral of Priya from India.  I'll never forget opening that email and seeing this baby girl with the craziest hair and the chubbiest cheeks.  She stole our hearts.

So God relieved me (temporarily) from my pain and helped me shift my focus to this precious baby girl that would soon be in our arms.

And man, does He exceed expectations.  Priya was a DREAM.  Sweet, kind, silly, smart, beautiful.  We brought her home in April 2010 and our lives were turned upside down.  (See Priya's first year video here!)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CykrahVbVG4

And less than 1 year later, we applied for our 2nd adoption to India.

Now, things didn't go quite as quickly with our 2nd adoption.  It started to drag on for a few years. And for some reason, the dragging of the adoption seemed to reopen those wounds of infertility.  Here we were, willing and ready to take in another child...but did God not think we were ready?  Why was He withholding another child from us?

It's funny how Satan just ever-so-slightly distorts the character of God in our minds.  He makes us start to question His goodness and His plans.

It was during this time that I had to SURRENDER to the Lord.  I realized I had NO control over my fertility, no control over an adoption, NO control over anything.  And I realized that having a child is a GIFT from the Lord...meaning sometimes He chooses to give that gift, and sometimes He chooses to withhold it.  But whatever He chooses is perfect and right.

And I did it.  I got on my face before the Lord in tears and confessed to Him my anger and frustration with the way He was handling my life.  I confessed that I DIDN'T know best and I needed Him to work in my heart.  I told Him I would trust Him no matter what.

I felt like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulders.  Surrender feels amazing.

And then, about 3 weeks later, we got our referral of sweet Hope.  The sweetest little angel we could ever see.  Wes and I wept at her referral picture.  We couldn't WAIT to bring her home.

And in April of 2014, we did. (Watch the Hope documentary here!) www.runforhopehouston.org

Now we had the two sweetest, kindest girls in the whole world.  Adjustment to 2 kids was hard on us, but not because of the girls.  Just going from self-sacrifice with 1 kid to utter selflessness with 2 kids. But we were thankful.  God hand-picked the 2 sweetest, most beautiful girls in the world for us.

And then Wes gave me the "we are DONE" speech.  Just a few weeks ago.  I laughed at first, because I thought he was just being dramatic, but then I realized, "He's totally serious.  He's DONE."  I was disappointed.  Hadn't we talked about 10 kids?  How are we stopping at 2?

And then...I was late.  For my period.  I mean, we're all adults.  We know what that might mean.

But I wouldn't let myself go there.  After all, the doctor said it was impossible for us.  I thought I was just psyching myself out.  It had been 10 years of no pregnancy.  Why was I even thinking about it at this point?

But then 2 days later, still nothing. I had 5 dreams in 1 night about having a baby.  So I took a test.

I ALMOST PASSED OUT!  Shocked.  Beyond belief.  Wes made me pee on many of those sticks.  I told him he could pee on the next one.  We shed many tears.  Gratitude.  Disbelief.  Shock.  Excitement.  AWE.  God is so kind.

So, here we are.  Almost 10 years of "practice" with no results.  And out of the blue, BAM.  A baby. We're 8 weeks along.  No one is more shocked than we are!  Truly.  "What is impossible with man is possible with God."  Matthew 19:26

Once again, God doesn't just want to meet our expectations.  He wants to exceed them.

I surrender to Him.  We can't take ANY credit for ANY of the miracles He's done in our lives.  HE is worthy.  He is all-powerful.  He is good.  He is kind.  He has been SO gracious to us.  We give Him the glory!!

I no longer feel the need for a doctor to explain to us our "unexplained infertility."  I know the explanation: God had a better plan.

HOPE Documentary!

We are so excited that the adoption documentary is ready! Thank you to all the amazing people who worked so hard completing it. We pray God uses it to challenge and encourage us to love orphans the way He does.

Please go to: www.runforhopehouston.org

6 months home

I love seeing pictures of babies as they grow month to month; now days moms have all sorts of cute ideas on how to show that their baby is growing and developing.  A lot happens in just a short time in the life and brain of these little ones.  So as we passed our "6 months at home" mark, I've been reflecting a lot about how much has happened in our lives over the past few months since Hope joined our family.  God has been teaching us A LOT.

Well, to begin, Hope is rocking a mullet as her hair grows out.  Check out how different she looks!

But seriously, in the last 6 months, Hope has had a couple of significant milestones!  She learned to ride her bike without training wheels, which, if you had seen her ride her bike WITH training wheels, you'd understand the miracle this is.  Truly.  I didn't really even think it was possible to fall off a bike with training wheels.  But it can be done.  So to see her ride around and around our street cul-de-sac is utterly amazing.  She's come so far!

She also lost her first tooth; well, not her first, but her first with us.  Priya was more excited than Hope was, considering that Hope had no idea about the tooth fairy.  Then when the tooth fairy DID come, Hope was super excited about it.  Then Priya told her she should call Grandma and THAT tooth fairy "would be even better".  Turns out she was; apparently the Grandma tooth fairy has more funds than we do.  $5.00?  Seriously?

And we celebrated our first birthday with Hope last weekend.  That was an event.  To say Hope was excited is the biggest understatement ever spoken.  She could hardly sleep for the week before the party, and we literally had a countdown going.  We normally try to limit gifts for the birthdays, since you already know Grandma is out-of-control, but we decided to allow them for her "first" party. I'm so glad we did.  That girl was flipping-out-excited about all of them (Mommy is less excited about the Elsa doll from the Krugers that sings "Let It Go" in English AND Spanish!  Oh my word.  If I hear "Libre Soy" belted out in the wrong key one more time...)
But I think she felt SOOO loved.  She said many times that evening, "a lot of people come to my party.  A lot of presents!  A lot of people love Hope."  Aunt Leslie made the best Cinderella cake ever, and Hope kept saying that "Aunt Leslie is a very good artist at cakes."  My heart was full to see hers overflowing.

And we've learned a whole lot more about our sweet girl than we knew before.  She doesn't love pink and yellow anymore; she loves pink and BLUE.  Because Mommy and Papa love blue.  She loves Indian food still more than any other food in the USA, except bacon.  She LOOOOOVES bacon. Asks for it every morning.  She says she doesn't think they had bacon in India.  She loves to play with Barbies and babies, to pretend the babies are adopted by the Barbies.  She and Priya also love to play "Orphans", which I'm not really sure how I feel about, but nonetheless they pretend all of their stuffed animals are orphans, and then they go and adopt them.  Sometimes they even play "Orphans with lice" to which I quickly put an end to...I mean, seriously.

We've learned a lot about her nights at the orphanage.  She talks a lot about them.  She talks about India a lot.  It's interesting to hear her memories of India, because while she has many memories of bad and traumatic things, she also remembers anyone and everyone who ever helped her.

The other day she told me this story:
"Mommy, one time in India I was very hungry.  I was walking with my birth mother very far.  My feet were very tired from walking, walking, walking, and my stomach was so super hungry.  The market had so many people.  I was very hungry.  This man gave me his bread.  So I sat down on someone's motorcycle to eat it because my feet were hurting so bad.  Then this other man yelled at me, "HEY!  GET OFF MY MOTORCYLE YOU DIRTY KID!"  So I felt very scary and me and my mommy ran away.  But that nice man gave me bread.  I think so God told that man to give me his bread, and he obeyed."

I literally can't stop crying when she tells me her stories.  I just look at her and think of all that her little heart has had to endure in her short life.  Hunger. Abandonment.  Rejection.  Homelessness.  Pain.  Loneliness.  Unanswered cries.

And yet today, she walks downstairs with Priya, both of them holding their purses in hand.  They have each been saving money for a toy.  But today they said, "Mommy, we want to give this money to Luv Luv's trip to India."  Now, here is my sweet cousin, Luv Luv, who is easily in their "top 5 favorite people" list:

Through tears, I reply, "aw, girls, you are so sweet.  That is so thoughtful.  Are you sure you want to give ALL of your spending money, though?  You don't have to do that.  I mean, you could give part and still spend the other part."  (Nice parenting, by the way.  Way to discourage your child from giving.  Mom-of-the-year.)

Priya says, "It's ok. I want to give it all to her."

Hope says, "Mommy, I think so the girls in India need this money more than me.  I have a lot of toys here."  

So, all their dollars and coins are bagged up, ready for Luv Luv's mission trip to India.

And so, although my sweet little 7 year old daughter may not be hitting the milestones that other kids her age are hitting, I see God already doing a tremendous work in her heart and life.  And I realize that the milestones that I once thought were so important actually don't matter at all.  She'll learn to read, eventually.  She'll speak English fluently, eventually.  She won't spill her food at the dinner table, eventually.  

What matters most to me right now is that she lets me rub in her lotion after her bath without quickly saying, "no thank you, mommy, Hope do it."  Now she says, "mommy, will you rub my lotion and sing the song?"  And instead of lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, indifferent to the fact that I'm there...now she cuddles, snuggles, and asks me to stay. 

That, my friends, is huge progress for my 6 month old baby girl. 

I Corinthians 2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him."

Hello all, below is a little trailer for our adoption journey documentary.  We have 2 versions, we haven't decided which one to use.

https://vimeo.com/95042997

One More Blog

Wes:  Hello, its 3 am in the USA and 2pm in India.  So nothing makes sense, I'm on my own time now.  Please continue to pray for us, I have a fever and Hope is puking.   Hope is adjusting well, Priya and Hope are doing dance shows for grandma all day ( I think I heard the keyboard music going for 4 hours).  Thanks grandma for watching the shows while I snooze.

Don't get me wrong God has shown His hand and favor in this whole process.  I m not sure how many people reading this has gone through adoption or foster care.  We've been through it before, and Priya has adjusted very well.  It's still a transition for me.  Having a stranger come into my life in a week, and now live with me for the rest of my life.  This is only a God love.  I still feel strange when Hope needs hugs, kisses, and snuggles.  I know she needs it, so I'm not rejecting it.  I m 30 something, adopted once already, and took ETC(adoption training) classes, but I feel weirded out by it.  I think because Hope is moving faster than I expected.  She hasn't had hugs, kisses, and snuggles for many years.  She hasn't had parents, and she has been fatherless for years.  She has been defending herself on the streets for years.  Now she needs me to be a father and her defender.  Thank you God for choosing me to hold this role.  For all the men who are considering adoption, its ok, God will supply all your needs.  No one says its easy, and God will provide strength.  God has adopted me into His family and takes me as I am, He defends me.  So I will defend Hope and Priya.  "You can take our lives, but you can't take our FREEDOM!"  This is a Braveheart quote.  I know it doesn't make sense here, but It was getting too serious, so I had to back off a bit.

Kasey might not want me to post these pics, but I think it's important to show you some transitions in the lives of our daughters.  If you are adopting, you might get a pic and be frightened.  It's ok, they all need love and a father.  We will all grow and be stronger together through the Lord.  These pics made us cry, and I was always paranoid about having jacked up kids, but the Lord has prevailed and they are wonderful.  Some may think the pictures are bad, but let me remind you that we all look dirty and are sinners in God's eyes.  We are washed by the blood of Jesus and cleansed.


Here is one of Priya's first pics that they emailed.  They shaved her head completely.  She was abandoned in 2008 at the Orphanage door-step Pune, India.

Priya now 2014:

Hope in 2010.  She was found abandoned and found by police  in New Delhi, India:

Hope now 2014 in Houston, TX. 

This is not to discourage anyone, but to encourage you that you have the power to change lives.  We have time, money, and resources.   So self-evaluation, what do we do with our money?  Do we buy more stuff, things, stuff that moths and rust will eat?  Do we waste time and chase after the wind? These kids have nothing.  They just want a loving home.

This is plenty of serious sappy stuff for me.  Sorry, I only can do this dose at a time.  

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Some of you heard of the term FOB from the previous posts, but I took the liberty to take photos.  This is not to make fun of anyone, its just for fun.  I know its messed up, but I'm a part of it also.   (Oh, if you dress or look like this, its ok, but please send me a pic of you)

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Its 4am, Kasey just walked out of the bedroom, and now I hear the girls giggling upstairs.  I guess the whole Mathew family is up.  Going to church in 4 hours.  Peace out!

Thank you for reading and sharing.  Blogger shows that 36,000 people around the world are reading these posts.  I m not sure how google came up with that number, it shows it read in about 8 different countries.  I hope through the Lord that we have inspired, blessed, and broken your hearts for the fatherless.  

Here are some useful resources that we have experience with (There are many more than these):

Adoption agencies:  

1. International Family Services

2  America World Adoption

Financial assistance:

1.  Lifesong for Orphans

2.  Show Hope

3.  www.runforhopehouston.org (fundraising)

Education:

1.  Empowered to Connect (ETC)

Houston adoption Community:

1.  Houston's First Baptist Church, Legacy 685

Welcome Home, Hope!

The last few days are a blur, but thanks to our dear friend Ashley Monogue (http://ashleylaurenphotography.com/), we have some precious pictures from our arrival home.  Unless Wes decides to continue honing in on his writing skills, we probably won't post after this.  (Wes has been sleeping all day, so he may wake up at 2 a.m. and decide he has more crazy stuff to share.  We'll see.)

We do want to thank you all again SO very much for your prayers.  Our God is truly mighty, magnificent, powerful, omniscient...and yet, He cares about the intimate details of our lives.  He is worthy.  I'm so thankful to be adopted into HIS family!

Enjoy the pictures!  Wes, Kasey, Priya, and Hope
YAY U.S.A.!